End of Week 1

Can't believe it has been a whole week since I left California! Unfortunately, it seems like forever since I was there with Mary Ann. Still having a really hard time believing it's over. I watched her FB video and actually cried when I saw her hands. She has such beautiful, soft hands, and I always loved holding them. I know it takes time but I am still so had. I was laying on the bed this afternoon just staring at the ceiling when the following thought just popped into my head. "Take time to heal. And don't be afraid to ask for love and support from all those people who care deeply for you. For it is in asking that we receive."

I had a very productive day even if I didn't shower and dress until 3PM. Got all my clothes hung up and folded all the ones that go in drawers. Then Steve, Jen, and I went to Micro-Center to buy my new computer.  I can't believe how little money I spent!! I walked out with a Toshiba laptop with a 4 Gig memory and an HDMI output plus many other features; a wireless 3 in 1 printer; a 3 yr warranty on the printer; and a 1 yr warranty on the laptop. In addition, I got a $50 instant rebate for buying both a computer and a printer AND a $40 mail-in-rebate on the printer. Then it was Iacono's for pizza. Yummy!!

Tomorrow is full of plans too. I just don't think I have the heart to go to church though. Maybe next week. Jen, Steve, and I will be going to brunch with Jen's dad to celebrate Father's Day. Then tomorrow evening Summer and I will be meeting friends for show tunes at Union Cafe. Of course, then Monday comes and I have to get down to business.

I have decided I am just to old to work 12 hr. shifts so I have to call the recruiter and tell him I pass on the travel job. Also have to call and left Orleans know I am not going to take the apartment and call the movers and push the move date back to 1 Sept. Then, it will be job hunting. At least there are tons of jobs out there and a lot are 8 hrs. I am hoping I can work casual or at least part-time.  I am also going to investigate going on disability for my knee. At least I can supplement but I'm not sure yet how much money I am allowed to make in addition to disability. Anyway - I'm off. Catch up with you later this week.

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

Well, today is my first full day in Ohio and my first day of realizing I have to live the rest of my life without Mary Ann. This was my crash day. Slept late; played on the computer; decided to bank at BMI; ate lunch at Panera; went to Garden Ridge and bought a few things; surfed for a job (found several great possibilities); and took Jen and Steve out to dinner at Jed's Fireballs and Brew. 

Tomorrow I plan to open my checking and savings accounts and start unpacking. Oh yeah ---- I opened up the stuff I ordered for the condo. I'm doing my kitchen in red and bought new dishes, cookware; coffee pot; kettle; toaster; and silver ware. Also bought stuff for the bedroom ----sheets, blankets, and a new comforter.

I think today has been the hardest day yet. I haven't really had anything to think about but being without Mary Ann. I suddenly am overcome by these intense feelings of sadness and burst into tears. Tonight I wanted so badly to call her just to hear her voice, but I know that is not a good idea. It's good to have family and friends close by and to get lots of love and hugs. I am cursed by all the "if only's" banging around in my brain. I know this is for the best but why does it have to hurt so badly?

Had a good long talk with my dear friend Beverly and a facebook chat with Katie. Melissa and Mary Mac are on vacation, but I left a message telling them to call when they get back so we can get together. Need to call Jackie to and catch up. Anyway---I will keep on keeping on as Betty said. I know that each day will be a little bit easier, but I wish things could have turned out differently. Catch you again on the flip side.

God bless and sleep tight.

Day 4 The End

Today was Day 4 of my trip from San Diego to Columbus to start my new life without Mary Ann. Part of me is excited and glad to be back home with all my favorite peeps; and part of me is so sad that what I thought would be the relationship I would share until death is over. Although I realize that love is not enough to sustain a relationship, I do feel that I failed Mary Ann in some way. Unfortunately, we have 3 big issues on which we cannot agree - namely compromise, trust, and money. I wish the willingness to try to work things out had been there; but unfortunately, it was not. I know in my head that my feelings of failure are unrealistic; I just wish I could convince my heart. There are times when the sadness of losing Mary Ann is so great I don't think I can bear the pain. But I know everything happens for a reason and I must go on. I have decided that keeping a blog may help me in the healing process. Here I can pour out my feelings, successes, and failures in my new life. 


I hope that you will walk with me on my journey. Maybe my insights and revelations will be an inspiration to you as you live your life. I am constantly reminded that no man is an island. We need each other and we need to share our sorrows, our failures, and our successes. May we each continue to strive to be the best that we can be.